Head Bitch In Charge

after winter must come spring

2009-01-22T15:54:00.000-08:00

Spotted: Tracy developing feelings for someone new.

It's so weird how people change so you can get over them...or maybe it's you that changes. The choices we make always seem so critical and life threatening at the moment. It's not until we've already chosen and we look back and see how easy the decision really was.

I really really wanted to be with you and even after you cheated on me I still wanted to be with you. We separated and then I let you back in my life and slowly but surely I just wasn't having it anymore. I wouldn't say you are dead to me but my feelings for you have changed.

shades of twilight

2008-12-31T07:56:00.001-08:00

It's a new year and it's time for a new me!

I need to get a daily planner so I can hang out with everyone. I wish all of my friends new each other so it would be easier to hang out. So get on it people! Everyone needs to be friends with everyone else!

I have the right to put up a fight.

2008-12-12T14:23:00.000-08:00

I glad that for the first time in my life, I'm living life for me. I'm not living it for anyone else. I'm doing exactly what I want to do, when I want to do it. It's such a GREAT feeling. I may not have everything figured out and I may not be going down a path that "normal" people go down but you know what? I don't give a fuck. What works for you may not work for me AND THAT'S OK. I think life is too short to be trying to do things the way society wants you to. Do whatever you want because at the end of the day, it's all about what makes you happy. I had to learn a lesson that it's all about your perception.

past be the past

2008-12-10T06:37:00.001-08:00

I can't figure out what time zone to pick in the options. lol. I'm slow in some areas of life.

Super rainy today and I'm at work doing nothing. I have a deadline for some projects which is March 1st. The stuff will only take a week or 2 at the most. I work fast.

I was thinking I might take out the $12,000 loan and just add to my cosmetology degree. I really want to go to the International Skin and Nail School in Roswell. As much as I try to find things that interest me, I'm always drawn back to skin, hair, and makeup. I know I'm great at hair, I just want to add to it so I can make even more money. That requires another 2 years of school and then another stateboard test but I've already done 2 years and I've already taken 1 stateboard test...why not take another? Why not just be a knowledge machine? lol. I just need to talk to my parents so I can get them to sign for the loan. Then I'll need to possibly find a place to stay in Roswell cuz it's kinda far from Powder Springs.

I'm also guessing it's time to start doing things to my lovely civic. I know I want wheels and as much as people laugh at me, I do want the windows tinted. I hate that people can see me doing my makeup and whatever in my car. I'm trying to think of what else I can do to it. Any ideas? It's a 01' honda civic that's automatic.

I wish I could give you this feeling...

2008-12-08T07:15:00.001-08:00

So this is my blog and y'all can travel down this journey called life with me. My livejournal is fucked up so now I have a new place to let my thoughts spill over to.

I know you may look at me and see a chick that is skinny. You may look at me and see a chick that looks normal and great. About 4 years ago I started down a path of anorexia and about a year ago, I stopped. So I was anorexic for 3 years and I've been "sober" for a little over 1 year. I no longer starve myself but it's like a drug addiction, it's something that is always going to be a part of you forever. Something that even though I don't starve myself anymore, I still freak out about gaining weight and what I put in my mouth. I still freak out that I went up a jean size or that there is a tiny layer of fat on my stomach.

I no longer look at runway models and instead look at healthier, thicker models. I no longer visit the anorexic sites I went to for support and I no longer keep a food journal with how little calories I consumed in a day. I've pretty much turned the other page and am doing things the healthy way. Soooooo.....

I haven't weighed myself in a month but last night I noticed that some of my jeans didn't fit. I instantly freaked out and ran to weigh myself. I have gained 2lbs. Now I'm 112lbs. You can laugh but to me it's a big deal. So now I feel super fat today. It's amazing to sit and watch what people put an importance on. To see how everyone is at different stages in life.

As soon as I started getting "sober," I was placed in an outpatient program and I had a group of other girls that were trying to get better and we all shared stories and motivated each other. I sat down with several therapists and come to find out, anorexia is something that can run from generation to generation. My mom was anorexic and my grandmother was anorexic. They aren't now but back in their prime, they were. Found out it also stems from the lack of attention my dad showed me growing up and the fact that I always ended up in horrible relationships with guys. So I finally left the program and even though I still struggle, I know I'm getting better. It's so hard to do the healthy thing when you know you get fast results the wrong way.

So today I'm just freaked out that I gained 2lbs and I now feel like a fatass. lol.

2008-12-07T11:26:00.000-08:00

I can't stand my body at the moment. I actually like everything except my stomach. I can't stand it! I don't get how I can be 5'5" and 110lbs and have fat anywhere on my body. Somehow my stomach decided that it hates me and wants me to suffer. It's taunting me.

I'm going to the gym today to show my stomach what's up. The whole being sick thing threw me off but now that I'm better, it's time to turn into a workout machine! I will show my stomach who is boss and no matter what it tries to do to me, I will overcome it. I will get rid of that fat no matter what it takes.

I've been really slack about what I've been putting in my body lately. So from now on, I will no longer eat this stuff:

*Fast food
*Deep fried food
*Candy
*Soft Drinks
*Ice Cream
*Junk food

I will replace that stuff with lean meat, vegetables, fruit, water, and milk.

I can't wait to show my body who's boss and get tight and toned. See y'all bitches at the pool this summer!